Thursday, December 10, 2009

Weirdest Testing Experience of my Life

I know what you're thinking.

No, I wasn't anally probed by aliens.

THAT would be the weirdest testing experience of a lifetime. Mine is not quite as interesting/weird/supernatural/absurd.

It all starts with me showing up to my Macroeconomics exam. After studying for hours beforehand, trying to get every last bit of information stuck in my head so that I could discharge it all onto the paper like a woman deciding to have a bunch of kids at once (Remember the Disney Channel Original Movie "Quints"?), then after hard-work and deliberation, drops them all off at once for college and is set free to never see them again!... okay, bad analogy, but I haven't written one of these in a while - give me a break.

So, I step into the room: thick russian man with long, dark hair and a giant bald spot.

He'd rather be anywhere but here.

I get my materials together to take my Macroeconomics exam. "Ok - I have this!" I think to myself. I unfortunately haven't gotten to review the first 2 or 3 chapters very much, but that's because I was studying the last 4 chapters so intensely (yes, 7 chapters - that's it). So the first couple of questions I'm iffy on, but I recognize - like that awkward, long lost cousin you know you're related to but haven't seen since the 3rd grade - but you see them and you KNOW you're related because they still have that giant mole under their left eyeball - you know the kind. The point is, I get through 10 of the 20 MC and it's all still kinda grey, but I'm getting through it. I come to 15, and I still haven't recognized very much in the sense of what I've studied. I look to the next 5 and see NOTHING I really prepared for is being asked of me. "Okay - it must all be on the essays! Good!" I look at the essays.

I find nothing that I really know well in the essays.

"What the heck?? He made it seem like everything on the practice test was about the last 4 chapters, yet this one only has stuff from the first three!" I sigh letting out a giant breath - and then a thought hits me (I had one of those cartoon lightbulb moments) - I don't recognize ANYTHING from this test. I turn around the test to reveal "MICROECONOMICS FINAL EXAMINATION."


So, all this time it didn't look familiar to me because I hadn't done any of it in over 8 months - since last semester when I took the course. (and for those wondering how this could happen - I had to get special arrangements because of my ADD, hence why I had a room to myself with the russian mobster).

So, he has to call up the testing lady to have her come down with the right paper. Even though I'm an hour into my examination, I need to start over again. I have a production at 7:30 I wanted to attend, but it's alright. I'll be fine. it's only 3:30 now. It'll be done by 6:30. We'll be good and then I can go about my business seeing "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" (if the title doesn't catch you, the underlying STARING JAMES EARL JONES will).

So the lady comes down with the Exam.

Microeconomics - wrong again.

She sprints in her very short skirt (there should be a law prohibiting women over 40 to wear those - seriously) to get the paper again. And it's the right one this time.

I start to take my test.


An hour into this exam, the firm alarm goes off.

Yes. There's apparently a fire in the building.


We scurry outside the building with about a hundred other people (because it's now become so late no one else is really here). We wait. And wait. And wait.

Finally, the waiting has become so long I've start to entertain myself my doing one-legged calf raises via the sidewalk.

<--- Those aren't mine, but they will be after I take a year's worth supply of steroids... just kidding... I only use HGH... ;)

Okay - if you're really concerned, I'm all natural. Don't worry. (it's like that joke with the woman with green hair saying it's "all natural." Lamest joke ever. If you haven't heard it, let me know and I'll tell it to you. But seriously. It's lame. I learned it in 3rd grade and laughed my pants off... not literally, but... you know what I mean...).

The Russian Godfather and I walk inside to see what's going on, and the man at the front desk tells us he'll let us know when we're allowed to go back inside.

10 minutes later, the man at the front desk walks out in a trenchcoat. "Where are you going?" "My shift is up." ... seriously? "Who's supposed to tell us when we can go back inside?" "I don't know. I'm sure someone will."


We wait inside and make small talk. He tells me he has a 21 year old daughter. I almost ask "Is she single?" but refrain.

We haven't heard from anyone, so we go back to see if everyone is still out there.

Everyone's gone.

They were let back in 10 minutes ago.

... Seriously?

We return to the test room and I begin my test again - for the 3rd time. Oh - and 38 minutes has passed during that Firm Alarm stint.

I bear down and finish my test at 6:45, giving me 45 minutes before the curtain goes up at the Novella Theater and James Earl Jones walks on stage with his rather large belly and booming voice.

You ever like being funny on tests, making a joke here or there, hoping the teacher will laugh because all the essays have been REALLY dull and yours actually had a little personality, humor, and wit to it? Yeah - totally did that. Question was "Describe the Golden Rule of Capital Accumulation." I answer:

"The Golden Rule - Treat others the way you want to be treat. <----- haha. just kidding!!
The Golden Rule of Capital Accumulation - when one goes..."

Yeah, totally went there on my Macroeconomics final - I hope he chuckles.

So, I've finished the test. The moderator tells me I just need to mark down which questions I did. Multiple Choice: all of them - 1-20. The essays: 1, 2, and 3. "Sir - you were only supposed to do 2 of the 3."

... This has just been one big, bad experience.

So, now I must choose which essay to not hand in. Number 1 I definitely knew. Number 3 I knew half of it but very simply didn't know the second half and maybe would get a couple of points for effort (it was a proof - haven't teachers ever learned that kids just don't know how to prove stuff? Only evil teachers make kids do proofs on tests). Number 2 I know the entire thing, but you know those questions that are just TOO easy and take too little time to be worth 35% of your test? Yeah - one of those. There HAS to be more that I'm somehow missing.

After deliberating for TEN MINUTES, the head of the Russian Mafia looks like he's about to shoot me - literally. The man just wants to go home to his ambiguously single 21 year old daughter. He tells me I need to choose. But do I have to? Do I really? Hmmmm... so in the end I just mark all 3 were answered. It's the teacher's decision. If he wants to make the first two answered - fine. If he somehow feels bad that I did all 3, maybe he'll give me the 2 that I scored the highest on? The likelihood of him giving me the lowest accumulated score is very slim, right? So, that's what I do. I'm dropping this test quicker than a 4 year old playing hot-potato. I'm done with this thing.